Yesterday you said tomorrow.
I haven’t been on here in a while.
And when I was, I was on my other account – it’s private. As I listen to Step by Vampire Weekend, I ponder about this coming semester. This will be my second semester in university. Because I’m in University. Because that’s a thing. Crazy, right?
I recently watched a movie – Stuck In Love. I liked it. Funny enough, it was about a family of writers. I miss writing so much. It used to cause me so much happiness and content. I would write for hours. Or think of new concepts. Or I’d randomly have something stir inside of me which would produce a poem. Words. I like words. I like thoughts. I like actions. I like combining all of those into a sort of magic. An idea. I love ideas. And I’ve been suffocating my ideas. I’ve been starving my creativity. My creative outlet. I don’t even know if I am a good writer anymore. I’m scared. That is partially why I haven’t been writing. I doubt myself. I haven’t written in so many years that I’m not sure if I’m any good. If I was ever any good.
No, that’s not true. I think that I was good. I was. But I was so young and I’ve experienced so much since then. Granted, I experience quite a lot when I was young, and I think that that is why I was able to write with meaning and with experience even then.
I haven’t been reading much either. Albeit, I’ve read a few articles, and I’ve tried to read books, but I haven’t finished them. I’m unfinished. I believe that reading helps to stir up one’s creative process. You want to do what the author of the book or novel you just read did. They expressed themselves. They let the world know what they were thinking. You want to do that. I want to do that. Even if no one agrees with my thoughts. I want people to know them.
Aside from reading and writing, I have decided to seek further self-improvement. Little things. Study habits. Exercise. Food. Spending of money. How I handle my friendships. My relationship with God. My Christianity. My character.
I want to be more graceful. I want to be more future-focused. I would like to think that I think ahead. Compared to many of those in my generation, I do. Many people my age and even older are so absorbed in the now, and by ‘the now’ I mean immediate gratification. When you walk today, you plan your steps for tomorrow. Many people don’t think in that way. And that is why they continuously make mistakes or have regrets. I want the least amount of regrets as possible. I think ahead a little bit, but I want to do better at that. I need to do a better job of organising my thoughts and my plans.
I plan to not go to parties this semester. There is a possibility that I will go to a couple, a possibility. But that’s not my focus, not that it was my focus before, but I attended several parties last semester. I didn’t drink. I didn’t smoke. I didn’t have sex. I did not do any of those things at all. But I was distracted. I need to be less distracted. Starting now, I am giving myself a 3 party-limit. I can attend 3 parties this coming semester, so I better choose wisely. But really, I don’t really want to go to any more parties anyway. But I hope that people have them, because when they do and a majority of my floor attends them, the floor will be quiet and peaceful and perfect for studying 🙂 I will admit that I am getting giddy just thinking about it. I have so many things to study this semester. First, two things: I am a little bit apprehensive about University Physics and Calculus II this semester. I know that those are going to be challenging for me. But I enrolled in a class that will help me with my study skills and there are so many opportunities to get outside assistance. I just need to utilize them. I also plan to study Korean (self-teaching). I am really interested in languages. Partially because I just feel drawn to all things cultural, partially because I think knowing other languages is thee coolest thing ever, and partially because my great-grandfather and great-great-grandmother knew so many languages. Either my great-grandfather or my great-great-grandmother, one of them, knew 8 languages. And the other one knew a little bit less, but at least more than 3. I think it was my great-great-grandmother that knew 8 and my great-grandfather that knew less than 8. I want to learn Korean, Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, Russian, and Ukrainian. Studying languages alone will take quite some work. I only plan to really focus on Korean this semester/year. Though I will take some time for Ukrainian because it is likely that I will be going there for a missions trip in June. I can’t wait!
Last semester, I had the 10+ meal plan. That means that I had to spend 5 meals at Gracie’s (the main dining hall), had 5 meal options ($7.45 per meal option) to spend anywhere else, and $646 of food debit. The 10 meals/options renewed each week. Overall, I ate rather poorly. Not all the time exactly, I ate a good amount of healthy food, but if I were to add up all of the “vegan-allowed” junk I had, it wouldn’t look too pretty. And I just munched munched munched. My money got really low. The last 6 or so weeks, I was very low on food debit. I won’t say how much I had because someone from school might see this (haha). But during those last 6 or so weeks, I really got to learn how to spread out my food funds. I learned from that experience. And now that I am on All Debit ($2,324), I can make wise choices with my funds. Also considering that these last 3 weeks, of break, I have gotten my eating habits in check and now eat less and more healthy, I should be fine.
I learned this year that I had hurt my friend Sean’s feelings. Granted I could make some comments concerning that, I will refrain. I will just say that, I plan to not make him feel that way again. I let him know that I treasure our friendship and will consider his feelings. With that, I feel as though I have neglected other friendships and I also want to do my best not to do that and to watch out for future friendships. Concerning my family, the people that might love me the most (I can honestly say that I’m not sure..haha), I didn’t call them that much last semester. I will do better this time.
Through all of this, the person that I abandoned the most has been God. I haven’t talked to Him. I haven’t read His word. I haven’t..I just haven’t. I’ve listened to some of His music, but what does that even mean? That doesn’t count. I’ve been quite traitorous. I’m sorry (to Him). So I plan to devote more time to Him as well so that, without conflict and resistance, I can let Him be the ruler of my heart and my life. Which would ultimately make EVERYTHING that I have been blabbering about sooo much easier.
As for my character, I want to be more graceful, more elegant. I want to be more poised, more understanding. I want to be a lady. I want to appear more…studious, pensive maybe. I just envision myself differently, and I quite fancy this vision. I want to move more slowly and think more quickly.