Yesterday you said tomorrow.

Keep Calm and Do As I Tell You



My legs are going to kill me tomorrow.

How do I know this? Because they’re killing me right now.  And don’t even get me started on my arms.  If you want to keep your arm jiggle, don’t do these moves. Pinned Image

If you don’t want abs, forego this next one at all costs…seriously..

Advance Your Abdominals

..skip the photo, don’t even glance at the link, and don’t you dare read that caption.

Wall Squat, The Move

Wall Squat..preposterous!

Why do people even bother? Pushing themselves.  Bah! I can push my cart in the Giant as I head to the baked goods section.  That’s the real push.  Cart-pushers are the real ones making a difference!

For what is all of this nonsense?! Why is that lady against the wall? Let’s keep it PG here, por favor.

And whoa, that’s a lot of leg.  I thought that we were trying to tone it down. Pinned Image Oh, wait we’re what?  Toning our legs, you say?? Killing ourselves to push ourselves and hold that ‘Wall Squat’ position for 2-minutes straight, and then collapsing in utter relief and pure joy afterwards.  No,  ma’am, we have none of that tomfoolery here.  We are stuffed and conservative.  There will be no extra five reps because we said we couldn’t do the already alotted amount.  No 1:00 minute challenge as we create new workouts that we entitle ‘Seated Abdominal Crunch Leg Lift.’ No panting on the floor during ‘Heel-to-Toe Crunches’, and definitely no holding of that crunch in mid-air, trying to do that despicable thing and push ourselves.  Now you’ve really gone off the deep end.  It worries me why there are people who would exercise at 12:45am becasue they said they were going to do an “evening” workout, whatever that is.  Why was there even a morning workout???  And what do you mean, you want a heavier weight?! Is five not good enough?? What the heck is ‘The Gun Show’ anyway?  I told you we were conservative but not the ‘right to bear arms’ type.  That is solely for our redneck brethren who shoot our veal for us – we pay them handsomely.  And my dear, I forbid you to stretch.  There should be no need for you to stretch in the first place.  All you have to do, is keep calm and continue living a stagnant life where you push your cart, that is the only thing you will push, to aisle 9 for your chips,to the frozen section for pizza and ice cream, and to aisle 11 that will never leave you nor forsake you as it holds your precious brownies and every brand of factory-made icing known to, well, your cart.  Luckily you won’t have to go much farther than that because they already have some cookies and candy bars at the register.  Ding!

I will never understand why someone would laugh, smile, and even thank Our Heavenly Father when they stand drenched in sweat. Bah, liberals.


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